All kinds of everything.

Hey Blogger Folk,

I am still alive and kicking down South. Winter arrived here in full force this morning. The day started at around 17° Fahrenheit this morning. Very cold for this time of year in these parts. It does make me wonder just how cold winter is going to get. The sun is bright and the sky a crisp African Blue. An invigorating kind of day in my books. All it lacked was a big cuddly bear to wake up next to ;-). Hey a man can have a fantasy can't he?

I did have an awesome weekend, on the back of a horse with a life long friend (and long ago lover.) and his lovely wife. He grew up straight, ............I did not. It was a little like being a kid again and playing cowboys. Talk about acceptance, his wife knows my history with him and still absolutely loves me and accepts me just as I am. I would have understood had she treated me like some kind of leper. If I could bottle the joy I felt with hem this weekend and sell it, I would be a wealthy man. It did highlight again for me how frienships truly are priceless.

In othe news, I recently got into one of those, "God does not approve of Gays and we are all going to burn" debates. A waste of time really, but one of the points raised was that you don't find Homosexuality in the animal kindom (It's not natural). I was quite surprised to learn humans are not part of the animal kingdom (Boy, I am gonna give my biology teacher a piece of my mind) ;-).

Seriously my only response to that was you have not spent a lot of time in nature. There are millions of recorded cases of homosexuality across pretty much the entire range of species. Anyway, catching up on the news this AM, I found an article that was kind of touching. Not only is it about queers in the animal kingdom but OMG, Gay Adoption as well. Please check out the story of Carlos and Fernando Here. This story does the same for me as a Spider Warm and Fuzzy Friday.

Anway the Salt Mine Beckons. In closing though see if you can spot a subtle change in my blog? I am contemplating prize for the first reader to spot it ;-).

With Much Love
a not woeful
Anthony

The meme was irresistable

Thanks colaboy.

If you read this consider yourself tagged, unless of course you really don't want to play ;-)

Go to Wikipedia, and type in the month and day of your birth (no year). Then list 3 events, 2 birthdays and 1 death - I have added some commentry to my results since they seemed pertinent.

The Events
37 - Roman Emperor Caligula accepts the titles of the Principate, entitled to him by the Senate.
Caligula was one of the first, "educational" films I watched ;-)

1776 - Juan Bautista de Anza finds the site for the Presidio of San Francisco.
I could not resist the San Francisco link.

1994 - In South Africa, Zulus and African National Congress supporters battle in central Johannesburg, resulting in 18 deaths.
This particular event had a big impact on me. I was an eyewitness to this event. Seeing a man die being hacked to death with a panga (Farming implement with a large blade) less than ten metres from me has left some scars. The gun fire, the violence, and the terror of the people fleeing for their lives is etched deep within my mind. The event is recorded in our history as the "Shell House Massacre".

Needless to say I did not celebrate my birthday that year. Remarkably just less than two weeks later South Africa turned the corner in its political strife and had it's first truly democratic election. It has been my privlege to have lived through some of this country's most monumental moments. By a twist of fate I was employed by an international news agency at the time and got to experience a lot of the buzz at very close range.

The Births
1941 - Alf Clausen, orchestra conductor and composer.
He gave us theme tune for, "The Simpsons"

1973 - Eddie Fatu, Samoan professional wrestler
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Not quite the Tattoo daddy I think about ;-)
The Death
1943 - Sergei Rachmaninoff, Russian composer and pianist
In my dreams I can perform his third piano concerto.

Love
A not woeful woe.

Two blogs in just over a week. Will this madness ever end .........?

I have included two Memes here. Thanks Spider. You are very much in my thoughts always.

Time Passages Meme’

1AM In which time zone do you live?
GMT +2:00

2 AM What time do you get up in the morning?
I used to rely on an alarm and wake up at 6am. Of late with the insomnia that came with the turmoil in my life, I opted to rather sleep in until I wake up naturally. Thankfully I have a job that allows for some flexibility in starting time.

3 AM Is there a time of day that is your favorite?
I am a night person - I love it when the sun goes down - I feel safer and more secure in the darkness. Sorry I stole this straight from Spider. Otherwise I like the morning before the day gets hot or the late afternoon when it cools down. If I am on horseback at the time, so much the better.

4AM A ‘waste of time’ for you is…
Time spent arguing over trivialities. I try and pick my fight carefully as a result.

5AM Do you have a favorite timepiece?
A small silver Fob Watch with a cracked face that was bequeathed to me. One Hundred and fifty five years old and it still keeps time faithfully. I doubt they make them like that anymore.

6AM What has been the best time of your life so far? For all it's ups and downs these moments I am living now have to be it. I am comfortable in my own skin for the first time in a long time.

7AM If you could save time in a bottle, you would….
Keep it to use for outdoor activity.

8AM I have no time for….
Predjudice and religious intolerance.

9AM This takes you more time than the usual person to do…
My Job. I procrastinate a lot . ;-)

10AM What time in history would you go to visit?
Ancient Greece.

11AM What was the worst time of your life?
Probably the last two years. To Sound like Charles Dickens though, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.............."

12PM For a good time, I do the following….
Take a day in the country on Horseback .

Imagine…

1. Live anywhere in the world, where would it be?Here in Africa on a farm.

2. Have any job, what would it be?
Trail rider. Yes, it's a cowboy thing.

3. Have a date with any actor/actress, who would it be with?

George Clooney. In his batman outfit preferably

4. Who would you want to look like?
Just me.

5. Whose brain would you like to have?
Just mine

6. Would you rather be a famous Singer, Author, Actor or Artist(painter)?
Author

7. Have a farm, what five animals would you have on it?
Horses, Dogs, Cats, Ducks and swans.

8. Own a famous painting, what would it be?
I had to think about this. My final pick was Ivan Aivazovsky's Moonlit Night. It would work so well with the colours in my bedroom.

9. Have your dream wedding, where would it be?
On a mountain top looking down on the mist below.

This mountain in particular. Table Mountain - South Africa.

10. Have your last meal on earth, what would it be?
A croissant with rocket, proscuito and emmentaler cheese on it with hot chocolate made the way it should be with a bar of chocolate melted into hot milk.

11. Afterthought!
Be any superhero, who would you be?
As long as he has a six pack and a bulge I don't really care :-). Okay I confess as a kid I was big on Captain America.

Feel free to do one or both memes.

With Love

A not woeful woe.

Just an update etc.

Good day folk,

Just checking in. Thanks for the comments on my last entry and the requests for a front view. It did make me smile. Who knows what the future holds ;-)

In other news, for those who have followed this blog from inception, I am finally divorced. It puts me in a better position to start putting my life back together. The legal proceedings did take forever. Thankfully they are over. I will credit a Troll for keeping my thinking straight on perhaps the best way to proceed without resorting to a brutal dispute which may have left me with, "Divorce Victory" and a moral defeat. Thank you Troll.

The divorce was amicably done with decent access to my children.

I do consider myself officially a single gay man. A title I am comfortable with for the first time in my life.

It really saddened me to see what has happened to Spiders blog. I am inclined to have a lot to say to the spineless fuckwit who took such pains to try and ruin a man. I wont waste my breath suffice to say I believe Spider is a million times the man you could ever hope to be.

I am going to cut this short for now. Hopefully I can keep work at bay long enough to visit a few of you.

Love
a not woeful
woe

Still Standing and I got my boots on.

Hello good people of blogworld.

Seems I still have not mastered the art of regular blogging. I am alive and kicking. The legal disbandment of the tatters that was my marriage is near to complete. It has been a long fight but I am still standing and I have my boots on so I am just about ready for anything. I will leave it to you dear reader to speculate if the image is me in some kind of Half Nekkid Thurday post or a stock photo of sorts ;-).

Slowly I am outing myself to the world. Some days I believe that all will be well. Other days I see looming misery. I was reminded again the other day that all is not rosy. I found myself seated at a function in the company of six gay bashers. I kept my silence. I ask myself afterwards is it cowardice or self preservation. I am leaninig towards self preservation.

Living alone has given me time to catch up on some reading. I am getting through up to three novels a week. (perhaps I should get out more.)

Speaking of reading , please do check out Second Chances by
Brian Fletcher. Available here in hardcopy and here as an ebook. The book is well worth reading. Each person will take something different away from it. The feelings captured, belonging to a man who may lose the children he loves because they are not his biologically, came uncomfortably close to home for me. I am not going to say much more. I would encourage you all to buy it. This is an unsolicited endorsement. The book really had a lot of meaning for me.

I am going to relate a short story here that has left me pondering.

Roll back to my early twenties before I climbed firmly into the closet. I was away on business in a foreign land. I met a man. An immediate attraction, long hours working together, intimate conversation. A stolen kiss and a cuddle or two. A few months later he arrives on my local shore. Right after I have got into the closet. I behave like a complete asshole towards him. Distance myself from my gay past as quickly as I can. He returns to his foreign land justifiably hurt.

Surprise Surprise. Roll forward to my tentaive outing here in blogworld, and suddenly I find the man on my mind. I realise I owe at the very least an apology to this man. It took me seven months or so to track him down. He had taken on a new job in a new city. I finally got him on the other end of a phone line. I half expected he would hang up once he realised it was me. He was rightly suspicious to hear from me. I made my apology and asked his forgiveness. He is polite and diplomatic and assure me I am forgiven. I try and maintain contact but communication dies away pretty quickly. At least I felt okay for having made a long overdue apology.

Out of the blue my phone rings the other day. It is him to say he will be visiting our shores and maybe we should meet for coffee. I up the ante and invite him to stay at my place. He accepts.

I did spend some amazing time with the man. What I learnt is that attraction can last more than a decade. We enjoyed long late evenings, talking kissing cuddling. Leisurely breakfasts, laughter and even venturing out to some gay venues where for the first time I found myself living out loud as a gay man, completely at ease and relaxed.

It was with some sorrow I took him to the airport and bid him farewell. My bed is just that little bit more lonely now. The few days of physical affection from a flesh and blood human were wonderful.

Maybe in the next blog I will write what it is it has made me ponder about.

Thats me in a nut shell.
Love ya.
Your not woeful woe.

Thanksgiving

Hi Fellas,

By the time you get this I will probably be a day late and a dollar short, but I just wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving.

While thanksgiving is not celebrated so far south, I still want to take time to say I am thankful for each and everyone of you, who has shared my life's path over the last year.

Bless you all
With Love
woe

Reporting live from the far South.

Hey Good People of Blogsphere,

Still the salt mine keeps me out of the world I like to be a part of. If this continues I am going to look for a new salt mine.

It has been a month and a half now since I moved out. I am enjoying some of the new found freedom I have. Not having to give account of my time to anyone is wonderful. I live in fear of getting into a complete slut phase, with this freedom. I am told it is inevitable. I guess time will tell.

My social circle has grown some which is good, because it distracts me from the one area I am not coping with. I miss my kids and it rips my heart out to see them and then to have to say good bye. I stopped mourning my marriage months ago. I fear with my kids though I may never stop crying.

Slowly but surely I have been inching out of the closet with people whom I believe I can trust. In a moment of stupidity perhaps I outed myself to a collegue at work. As soon as the words were out of my mouth I thought to myself that was really stupid to do. He was very nice about it, said he could not care less what my sexuality was and that nothing in our relationship would change. He has lived up to that which is great. It is going to be awesome one day to not live in a closet anymore.

In other gay news South Africa is another step closer to legalising gay marriage. The deadline set by the Constitutional Court (South Africa's highest court) is the 1st of December 2006. Speaking for myself it is inconcievable for me right now that I would ever consider marriage again. Still I am happy that this move towards equal rights for all is taking place.

I hope you are all well. I hope to at least get to pay you all a visit within the day.

With love as always,

a not so woeful, woe.

Galloping towards a new frontier.

Hey Good Blooger folk.

I apologise for the scarcity in blog world. Hoping to get to all of you today. The 16 hour days at the salt mine have been a killer.

In other news this big ol gay boy has got it together to find an apartment. I have moved out of the family home into what I will term a very pleasant vibey Gaybourhood with a number of roadside restaurants and coffes shops. I have met a few of the neighbours. Mostly a very pleasant crowd. Since I was in situation that I had to move, I figured I would only look at appartments in Gay Friendly suburbs. Mission accomplished you could say.

My decision in the end was to leave with as little a possible and rather start afresh. It does feel strange to be starting life over again, back where I was in my early twenties. The only difference now is I am starting a more honest life, where I can be more true to me and that is just awesome.

On the social front I have spent time with the horse riding group I blogged about. It seems I developed a natural gravitation toward the gay guys in the group. Last week I went out with them. My first social engagement with a group that only know me as gay.
I felt really comfortable in my skin. It reminds me under all the WOE, things actually do get better.

Thanks for the comments and emails. as always much appreciated. I will try to be a better blogger.

Love,
A not so woeful woe.

Working Titles

This entry had two working titles both of which I scrapped on account of the fun and alarming connotations for a inching out of the closet gay man.

It was a toss up between Back in the Saddle and Bareback Riding.

Now that you have read those with perhaps some alarm or glee, let me get to explaining.

It is just fantastic to be back in the saddle and trotting around blogworld again. Thanks for the warm welcome back. Very touching to say the least. I may have kept myself scarce but none of you were far from my heart.

Bareback Riding, my friends in this case is actually of the equestrian pursuit. I have come to the conclusion it is easy to wallow in a pool of woe and despair. In the interests of a healthier mental state I have decided to widen my social circle and join a equestrian group that goes out riding on weekends. The open air, the excercise, the joy of riding a horse and the company. I think I am onto a good thing here.

Life is good and I feel blessed.




Love
A not woeful woe

Hello again.................

hello.

Hi Fellas,

In the bigger scheme of things I am getting ahead myself but I cannot carry on with the isolation from a community I grew to love. To just say I have missed you gents is actually a gross understatement.

To steal a line,

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." - Edna St. Vincent Millay

This marks my return to some form of blogging.

*tips hat to mobious flip in appreciation for his insight and encouragement in this regard. Thank you.

Since divorce proceedings have gone a little messy I will exercise due caution to make sure nothing here can positvely identify me to parties in my non cyber life. Should any of you want to view any of my previous blog entries, drop me a line I will send you the link. I respectively that you don't link to the old blog anywhere.

I am hugely grateful to all of you for all staying in touch .

I would like to include a seperate acknowledgement to A Troll at Sea, who is presently on a similar road and has put my thinking back on a sensible track at times when it may not have been.

Bless you all. Every last one of you.

Love,
A not woeful woe

Emotional sort of day.

Hi Fellows

I will not be blogging for a while. If you have been following this you will understand what I am saying that I cannot afford for this blog to be discovered from a legal perspective.

I will be staying in touch with you all via Email.

I have no words to express my gratitude to all of you who have been walking this with me. The world is clearly a richer place for having you gentlemen in it. I will stop now because the tears are starting to fall.

Bless you all.